Butterflies
by Moonlitdaydream
Summary: Remus has been feeling strange for a while now. Is he about to discover why? A little look at love, and how it might have been.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

 **This could be seen as in the same universe as my work in progress story 'It Came in a Dream' but probably works better alone. A little look at how a love that could never really get started, came to be. I am new to fanfiction so would love some reviews!**

It was an average early Sunday morning in the Gryffindor Common Room. Seventh year Remus Lupin was attempting to put the finishing touches to a NEWT Charms essay, quill scratching away the silence. He was the only one awake, everyone else was making the most of a lie in. Remus had not been sleeping well lately.

The essay wasn't exactly difficult but Remus couldn't keep his concentration. He had felt strange for several days now, weeks really if he was being honest with himself. The full moon had nothing to do with it. He had long ago become used to the monthly nausea and aching bones. No, this was something he could not quite put his finger on. Something he had never experienced before. A constant nervousness, his own personal butterflies making themselves at home in his stomach.

It was becoming more of a problem. Twice last week he had exploded a cauldron in Potions. His Vanishing Spells in a Transfiguration had resulted in the disappearance of Peter from the Marauder table. He had been gone for nearly an hour before a laughing James and Sirius had managed to bring him back. The Professors had started to notice, and they were not impressed.

"Really Mr Lupin!" Slughorn had exclaimed after the second explosion "you really need to bring your head back from wherever it has been". The problem was Remus didn't know where his head was, it just seemed completely absent from the rest of his body. He had nearly died of the embarrassment, which had not been helped by James and Sirius' looks of both amusement and concern. They could tell something wasn't right. Remus was the sensible one, the one that managed to hold life together the best. And he was falling apart.

A sudden snap of the door into the Common Room brought Remus back to his senses. Footsteps pattered down the stairs, and Remus could tell immediately it was Sirius. Seven years of living so closely with someone made it very easy to pick out their footsteps, their laugh, their handsome face from a crowd. **"Wait"** thought Remus **"where did** _ **that**_ **thought come from**?!" He blinked suddenly, very aware of someone very close to him.

Sirius had sat right in front of Remus and was waving his hands in front of his eyes, " Hello.. Earth to Moony. You alright mate?" Sirius was frowning, he moved further back in his seat and crossed his legs elegantly. Sirius did everything elegantly. "You do know it's Sunday right? No need to be up so early!"

Remus blinked again, suddenly feeling very stupid. "Er yeah, well…you're awake aren't you?" He managed to say. The butterflies in his stomach had really woken up now, they were flying in stormy circles. What on Earth was wrong with him?

"Pete was snoring" Sirius explained simply "then I noticed you weren't in bed. Again". He shivered slightly and with a casual flick of his wand the fire sprang into life. Its instant warmth spread through the room, and Remus realised how chilly it had been.

"What's going on Remus?" Sirius was uncharacteristically serious. His eyes were fixed on Remus and he had sat up straighter in the chair. "You've not been right for ages, I've noticed it, James has noticed it, and even bloody Pete had noticed it".

"Blimey" said Remus in a lame attempt at humour, "if Peter's noticed it must be bad". He gave a weak chuckle, eyes looking anywhere but at the beautiful grey ones that seemed to be staring into his very soul. **"Hang on, beautiful? What is wrong with me?!"** His internal monologue was sounding panicked now.

Sirius wasn't smiling. It did not look right on him. His face usually held a wide, cheeky and slightly arrogant smile. He still looked perfect of course, thick black hair falling perfectly to just above his neck, his casual sweatshirt rolled up to just above the elbows, the blue bringing out the colour of his eyes. His wand was sticking out the pocket of his blue jeans, and his feet were clad only in thick woollen socks. It was a well known fact that Sirius Black hated shoes. All in all, he was everything Remus, with his scarred face and old woollen cardigans could never be. And everything Remus wanted. In every way.

Remus shook his head, and tried once again to focus his head away from the way Sirius' lips were pursed in slight annoyance. **God those lips looked soft** …

The butterflies were rampaging now (if they can indeed do such a thing) and Remus felt if he opened his mouth again he would surely vomit all over the common room. He had just figured it out. He just now understood. In a flash of comprehension he now knew the reason for his mental breakdown over the last few weeks. It was love. Simple love, something that Remus had not experienced a lot of in his life.

Sure, he had loved his parents. But that had always been tainted by fear and guilt. Fear on Remus' behalf that they would one day see him for the monster he was and leave him to the mercy of the Ministry. Guilt on behalf of his parents, who had briefly entertained the idea that their darling son was in fact a monster. He loved James and Peter, loved being a part of something so close and real. Loved that he was friends with such good people.

And he loved Sirius. This was what he had just now come to realise. He loved Sirius in the same way he loved James, of course. But this was so much more. He loved the way Sirius laughed, he loved the way he got angry when Snape tripped Remus up in the hallway, the way he stole food from the Great Hall after a full moon. He loved the way he cried when Regulus joined the gang of Slytherin death eaters, the way he teased James affectionately, the way he never needed to open a school book to get top marks. He loved his fire, his energy and desire to live life on his terms.

He loved him. He loved every single thing about Sirius Black. And watching him now, with the impatient frown creasing up his beautiful face Remus could not understand how he had not seen this earlier. How it had not been obvious that the very thing making him so distracted, so mentally tired, was his very best person in the whole world.

"Remus!" Sirius sounded seriously alarmed now "Remus for goodness sake what on Earth is the matter? Are you even listening to a word I have been saying?"

He couldn't tell him. "I can't tell you" Remus whispered. " **Damn it, I wasn't supposed to say that"** he thought. To his horror, and utter confusion, a single tear had made its way down his cheeks. The butterflies in his stomach had frozen in trepidation, waiting to see what would happen next.

Sirius leant forwards, gentle hands reaching to wipe the tear away. He did not realise of course that this caused the butterflies to take off again, their wave of elation and terror leaping up into Remus' throat. "Remus, you can always tell me anything. Anything at all. You know that, surely you know that after all these years".

Remus' tears were now coming alarmingly fast. It seemed something had been started that could not yet be stopped. The only way he could ever be together again, be himself, would be to confess. "You'll hate me" he said quietly. God he sounded pathetic.

Sirius slid off his seat, and seized Remus' hand in his. His concern was almost thick enough to taste. "Come on mate, there isn't a thing you could tell me that would make me hate you. Not ever. You're Moony, my Moony. What is it?"

At the subtle 'my' in Sirius' words, Remus' heart gave a tiny flutter of hope. Maybe this wouldn't be so catastrophically terrible after all.

He closed his eyes, "the reason I've been acting so.. I've had a few.. I've realised something" he stammered then paused. Sirius gave a small nod as if to invite Remus to continue. Remus took a deep breath, "I love you Sirius. I love you with everything I am and everything I have ever been. I've been so crazy lately because I can't stop thinking about how much I want to spend my entire life continuing to love you. And I'm sorry. I know you won't feel the same way, but I had to tell you before I went crazy. Even more crazy. And I'm sorry."

Sirius had gone very still. Like a beautiful statue. What felt like hours, but really could only have been seconds, passed by. Remus felt sicker than ever. He had expected to feel relieved, his terrible secret was out and what would be would be. But he didn't. He felt as though his entire happiness rested on the next five seconds. Four seconds. Three…

In a swift movement Sirius released Remus's hands, and moved to place them carefully on either side of Remus' face. He turned the downcast amber eyes up to meet his grey ones. And then gently, and ever so carefully, he pressed his lips to Remus'.

He didn't say anything. Neither of them did. No words were needed.

The butterflies slept.


End file.
